I considered sending this in to "The Onion", but they do not accept unsolicited submissions. So I'm copying them instead.
WASHINGTON - Senators Barack Obama and John McCain today held a joint press conference to address the current financial crisis, which many lawmakers and experts have suggested could herald a new Great Depression, and to solicit requests from citizens wishing to take their places.
"It's my belief that this is exactly the time when the American people need to hear from the person who, in approximately 40 days, will be responsible for dealing with this mess," said Obama, adding "and if you want this responsibility, please consult my website at barackobama.com, where you can find all the necessary materials." This message keeps with Obama's trademark mastery of the internet medium and its appeal to younger citizens and fresh, innovative ideas.
Further inquiries into the website revealed only a link to a craigslist posting wtih the title: "Wanted: Strong leader for organization looking to reshape its image. Serious enquiries only." Deeper in the posting were lists of preferred traits such as "respectful, clean, strong knowledge of credit-default swaps trading, good with words."
McCain's pitch, on the other hand, reflected his lifetime of service and "maverick" reputation following years of political life. "I've spoken with several experts and they all seem to agree about what is needed. This country needs someone who is willing to sacrifice for the greater good. Someone who understands tough times." The Senator then suddenly pointed into the crowd and said "Hell, how about you? No? You? Damn it, it was worth a shot."
The monumental task of staving off a financial crisis and possible proletariat uprising that stands before the next president, as well as the debilitating fear that one of them would be cornered by it, did recieve the appropriate lip-service from the candidates. Spokesmen have confirmed that both camps offered their nomination to Hillary Clinton, a move that a McCain aide likened to "Dunking a Monica Lewinsky wrapped in raw steak into a tank full of sharks who had been married to Bill Clinton and starved of media attention since they conceded their party's nomination to a less-experienced but more likeable upstart, but something - probably a shrewd, less-hungry, and sexually satisfied shark cage from Hope - held her back."
A Clinton acceptance aside, it seems that the two current nominees will, by default, remain on the ballot unless they find a taker for the position of scapegoat for four probably inevitable years of economic disaster and likely sniper target.
McCain added to his request, "I mean, it's a pretty good job. Sure there's a lot of responsibility, but you get to live in that house. I'd take it...but some stuff came up. I really wish I could take it."
In addition to McCain's "stuff," Obama reportedly has some "things to deal with." Other potential nominee Jonathan Edwards has "a previous engagement." Rudy Giuliani pretended to hear his wife calling, Mitt Romney "has to go return some videotapes," and Joe Biden "just has other shit to do."
McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds reports that they are positive that an alternate nominee can be found within the 40 days remaining until the election, and Obama campaign manager David Axelrod assures reporters that, while they haven't heard back from any, there have been actual responses to their web efforts.
Both campaigns said they are praying someone will come to the country's rescue before they can no longer pretend no one is there when Sarah Palin calls.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
A Smurf's a Smurf
Someone told me that in France, pop is called "le soda." Which at first seemed too simple to me (like when you translate words into Spanish bay adding '-o' to the end of words. Like 'el work-o') but, before too long, made me think of "Le Big Mac".
Of course, as you all know, "a Big Mac's a Big Mac", as Vincent Vega described in apt metaphor in Pulp Fiction, right before informing us all that in France, the Quarter Pounder is called a "Royale with cheese". Isn't that kind of, you know, American-Centric? What about a "Royale avec fromage"? I know it's not nearly as quotable, and probably would have singlehandedly lost the Academy Award for that screenplay (would you have watched that movie once in college if it had't been for "Royale with Cheese?")
And then it comes to me that that whole dialogue is, really, a commentary on the Americanization of the world, and the ignorance that Americans show for other cultures. Who goes to Europe and talks about nothing but the McDonald's when he gets home? I mean, really, there wasn't some Bistro where you had a slice of Gouda, while some guy (Guy?) talked about Derrida and Foucault, and Baudelare, while a mime acted out the Dunkirk miracle? No, just beer in McDonald's, and a sandwich whose name was changed to the vaguely French "Royale", and even though "with cheese" is unaltered he talks about the damn burger like it was a cultural leap. But the real kicker, is that he was so closed-minded, that he "didn't go to Burger King" - whose vague allusion to royalty (Royale?) is just a little too European anyway.
Which brings me to Casablanca. Well, sort of. Peter Lorre played a little man who talked with a combination of an accent and emphysema and was, at best, a sidekick. But the important thing is that he was Moroccan, in a movie about Americans who want to escape from America but don't really want to lose American culture. Sure, Casablanca is a little more cosmopolitan than L.A., but sometime you should watch (and I'm not being condescending by assuming you haven't) Woody Allen's great philisophical inquiry onto the boundaries between cinema/fantasy and "real life", The Purple Rose of Cairo. The New York they show in that movie is awfully cosmopolitan, yet still at least an American fantasy. Casablanca just moved that fantasy to Northern Africa, and it became escapist, became exotic. And an Austrio-Hungarian character actor (Sellers) played a little man who, more than any real Moroccan, became so strong a symbol for Morocco that a close parody of him became part of an American cartoon whose popularity level I couldn't begin to guess at.
The cartoon was called "Secret Squirrel" and it was part of one of those three-part cartoons that would have one episode of the main cartoon (like Garfield) then an episode of the secondary cartoon (like whatever the farm animals in the middle of Garfield were. I just remember a pig named Orson, which is hilarious), and then either a second episode of the main cartoon, or the second part of the first episode of the main cartoon. Secret Squirrel was the secondary cartoon to the much-inferior (if that can really be said) Two Stupid Dogs. Now, the secret squirrel that I watched was a nineties remake of a sixties cartoon, and even then it was in reruns on Cartoon Network. Oh, and I forgot, Secret Squirrel had a partner named Morocco Mole.
Morocco Mole was a straight send-up of Lorre's character. He wore a fez, and a little monocle, and wheezed his sidekick-ey advice to the overconfident and suave bushy-tailed agent. Now, I don't hold this cartoon for changing the geo-political outlook of normal Americans, nor to their affinity for psuedo-escapist fantasies that allow them to appear wordly without ever having given up yankee comforts. Becasue I wouldn't remember it at all, except for one promo that Cartoon Network would show ad nauseum every time that I stayed home all day:
A red convertible is cruising down a road during what must have been an L.A. night, I guess from the neon reflections on the shining surface of the hood (this was all done in a strange, patchwork animation style, by the way. Very cool). Droopy Dog is driving, and Shaggy from the Scooby Doo cartoons is the passenger. Droopy says "Tell me again about the 79 countries [in which Cartoon Network was shown]"
"[It's] the same in those countries as it is here, except for, like, little differences"
"Example?"
"You know what they call Pound Puppies in France?"
"They don't call them Pound Puppies?"
"No. They don't have pounds in france, they use the metric system. They call them 'Les pups royale.'"
"and in Morocco, Morocco Mole is just called 'Mole'". So now it's suggested that Moroccans relate to and identify with Peter Lorre's character, in such a way that they don't even need to be told that he is parodying them - like if Captain America just went by Captain.
Of course, not everything changes ("a smurf's a smurf"), but that's because the exportation of a purely American product is really mostly for Americans.
So what does this all mean? I forget. But it is interesting that while watching Secret Squirrel cartoons as a youngster I was enthralled by a commercial that parodied not only a scene from a movie that would become one of my favorites, but also mentions a character that is a parody of a character from a movie that would become one of my favorites. And the character, the scene, the cartoon - all are about exporting Americana.
Which is probably why I was then in the mood for some good, old-fashioned, produced-for-domestic-use Americana. So I turned the channel to T.V. land, and developed my love for sketch comedy through the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour (I remember George Burns, dressed as Posiedon, calling Mark Spitz the King of the Ocean. Great stuff), whose format really wasn't all that much different than those three-part cartoons except that it lasted an hour and involved a bunch of crappy songs in between while I waited for a comedy piece (just like when I watched Disney movies and was annoyed at all the musical numbers, except the Louis Prima piece in the Jungle Book).
However, following the I Got You Babe couple was my favorite show of all time, Hogan's Heroes, and then an OK show, Green Acres. Which was also somewhat about expanding America's way of life, in that a city slicker and a foreign woman moved to a little farm and did chores, while she whined about being away from the city and he...well, I guess he farmed in a suit and overcame incompetence with dumb optimism.
The more intrepid readers will already see where I'm getting at. When Jules says he doesn't eat pork, Vince argues with him, and they ask if a dog, like a pig, is an unclean animal. Jules says, "Well, a dog's got personality."
"What if a pig had personality, would you eat that?"
"That'd have to be one charming motherfucking pig. It'd have to be way more charming then that pig Arnold on Green Acres."
Now, between the time that I would last see the commercial on Cartoon Network and the first appearance of Arnold on Green Acres, with Sonny and Cher and Hogan's Heroes in between, was about the same amount of time as there was between the two scenes in the movie. My entire cultural lexicon for two periods of my life were based off of each other in a format - first I saw something (Secret Squirrel) based on something that had already come (Pulp Fiction), which itself referenced something I saw immediately after the first thing (Green Acres), even though it had happened long before either (and originally around the same time as the original of the first thing), but their significane wouldn't be realized until I saw that second thing - that is right out of Pulp Fiction's timeline.
Of course, as you all know, "a Big Mac's a Big Mac", as Vincent Vega described in apt metaphor in Pulp Fiction, right before informing us all that in France, the Quarter Pounder is called a "Royale with cheese". Isn't that kind of, you know, American-Centric? What about a "Royale avec fromage"? I know it's not nearly as quotable, and probably would have singlehandedly lost the Academy Award for that screenplay (would you have watched that movie once in college if it had't been for "Royale with Cheese?")
And then it comes to me that that whole dialogue is, really, a commentary on the Americanization of the world, and the ignorance that Americans show for other cultures. Who goes to Europe and talks about nothing but the McDonald's when he gets home? I mean, really, there wasn't some Bistro where you had a slice of Gouda, while some guy (Guy?) talked about Derrida and Foucault, and Baudelare, while a mime acted out the Dunkirk miracle? No, just beer in McDonald's, and a sandwich whose name was changed to the vaguely French "Royale", and even though "with cheese" is unaltered he talks about the damn burger like it was a cultural leap. But the real kicker, is that he was so closed-minded, that he "didn't go to Burger King" - whose vague allusion to royalty (Royale?) is just a little too European anyway.
Which brings me to Casablanca. Well, sort of. Peter Lorre played a little man who talked with a combination of an accent and emphysema and was, at best, a sidekick. But the important thing is that he was Moroccan, in a movie about Americans who want to escape from America but don't really want to lose American culture. Sure, Casablanca is a little more cosmopolitan than L.A., but sometime you should watch (and I'm not being condescending by assuming you haven't) Woody Allen's great philisophical inquiry onto the boundaries between cinema/fantasy and "real life", The Purple Rose of Cairo. The New York they show in that movie is awfully cosmopolitan, yet still at least an American fantasy. Casablanca just moved that fantasy to Northern Africa, and it became escapist, became exotic. And an Austrio-Hungarian character actor (Sellers) played a little man who, more than any real Moroccan, became so strong a symbol for Morocco that a close parody of him became part of an American cartoon whose popularity level I couldn't begin to guess at.
The cartoon was called "Secret Squirrel" and it was part of one of those three-part cartoons that would have one episode of the main cartoon (like Garfield) then an episode of the secondary cartoon (like whatever the farm animals in the middle of Garfield were. I just remember a pig named Orson, which is hilarious), and then either a second episode of the main cartoon, or the second part of the first episode of the main cartoon. Secret Squirrel was the secondary cartoon to the much-inferior (if that can really be said) Two Stupid Dogs. Now, the secret squirrel that I watched was a nineties remake of a sixties cartoon, and even then it was in reruns on Cartoon Network. Oh, and I forgot, Secret Squirrel had a partner named Morocco Mole.
Morocco Mole was a straight send-up of Lorre's character. He wore a fez, and a little monocle, and wheezed his sidekick-ey advice to the overconfident and suave bushy-tailed agent. Now, I don't hold this cartoon for changing the geo-political outlook of normal Americans, nor to their affinity for psuedo-escapist fantasies that allow them to appear wordly without ever having given up yankee comforts. Becasue I wouldn't remember it at all, except for one promo that Cartoon Network would show ad nauseum every time that I stayed home all day:
A red convertible is cruising down a road during what must have been an L.A. night, I guess from the neon reflections on the shining surface of the hood (this was all done in a strange, patchwork animation style, by the way. Very cool). Droopy Dog is driving, and Shaggy from the Scooby Doo cartoons is the passenger. Droopy says "Tell me again about the 79 countries [in which Cartoon Network was shown]"
"[It's] the same in those countries as it is here, except for, like, little differences"
"Example?"
"You know what they call Pound Puppies in France?"
"They don't call them Pound Puppies?"
"No. They don't have pounds in france, they use the metric system. They call them 'Les pups royale.'"
"and in Morocco, Morocco Mole is just called 'Mole'". So now it's suggested that Moroccans relate to and identify with Peter Lorre's character, in such a way that they don't even need to be told that he is parodying them - like if Captain America just went by Captain.
Of course, not everything changes ("a smurf's a smurf"), but that's because the exportation of a purely American product is really mostly for Americans.
So what does this all mean? I forget. But it is interesting that while watching Secret Squirrel cartoons as a youngster I was enthralled by a commercial that parodied not only a scene from a movie that would become one of my favorites, but also mentions a character that is a parody of a character from a movie that would become one of my favorites. And the character, the scene, the cartoon - all are about exporting Americana.
Which is probably why I was then in the mood for some good, old-fashioned, produced-for-domestic-use Americana. So I turned the channel to T.V. land, and developed my love for sketch comedy through the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour (I remember George Burns, dressed as Posiedon, calling Mark Spitz the King of the Ocean. Great stuff), whose format really wasn't all that much different than those three-part cartoons except that it lasted an hour and involved a bunch of crappy songs in between while I waited for a comedy piece (just like when I watched Disney movies and was annoyed at all the musical numbers, except the Louis Prima piece in the Jungle Book).
However, following the I Got You Babe couple was my favorite show of all time, Hogan's Heroes, and then an OK show, Green Acres. Which was also somewhat about expanding America's way of life, in that a city slicker and a foreign woman moved to a little farm and did chores, while she whined about being away from the city and he...well, I guess he farmed in a suit and overcame incompetence with dumb optimism.
The more intrepid readers will already see where I'm getting at. When Jules says he doesn't eat pork, Vince argues with him, and they ask if a dog, like a pig, is an unclean animal. Jules says, "Well, a dog's got personality."
"What if a pig had personality, would you eat that?"
"That'd have to be one charming motherfucking pig. It'd have to be way more charming then that pig Arnold on Green Acres."
Now, between the time that I would last see the commercial on Cartoon Network and the first appearance of Arnold on Green Acres, with Sonny and Cher and Hogan's Heroes in between, was about the same amount of time as there was between the two scenes in the movie. My entire cultural lexicon for two periods of my life were based off of each other in a format - first I saw something (Secret Squirrel) based on something that had already come (Pulp Fiction), which itself referenced something I saw immediately after the first thing (Green Acres), even though it had happened long before either (and originally around the same time as the original of the first thing), but their significane wouldn't be realized until I saw that second thing - that is right out of Pulp Fiction's timeline.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Cool things about the Hipster party
- Good music
- You don’t have to worry that the BO smell comes from you (even if it does)
- That chick would be hot if she shaved her legs
- That chick would be hot if she shaved her moustache (and/or weren’t a dude)
- Those two chicks are hot. Ooh - but obviously not available
- You feel miles cooler than everyone who walks in after you
- You feel days cooler than anyone else who looks uncomfortable.
- But hey, this is pretty good music
- You don’t have to worry that the BO smell comes from you (even if it does)
- That chick would be hot if she shaved her legs
- That chick would be hot if she shaved her moustache (and/or weren’t a dude)
- Those two chicks are hot. Ooh - but obviously not available
- You feel miles cooler than everyone who walks in after you
- You feel days cooler than anyone else who looks uncomfortable.
- But hey, this is pretty good music
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